This process of desire flowing from the self to the other before getting reflected back is not just present online. In fact, the experience of pleasure from these technologically-mediated encounters has the same psychological dynamic as the pleasures of sex.The following quotation from Peter Fonagy appeared in the Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association titled "A Genuinely Developmental Theory of Sexual Enjoyment" and illustrates the point.Of course, when they met in person the messy fleshy actuality of these men interfered with the fantasies she spun during the online flirtation.
Online flirtation can be more like closing one’s eyes for kiss that never comes than many realize.He wrote: "The pleasure is through the possession of the feelings and ideas that have originated in the self but consciously are recognized only as of the other.However, as I have said, the other's actual feelings and ideas (the ones that we did not put there) can interfere with this illusion.She would invest these men, or rather their online presentation, with all the qualities and feelings she wanted them to have and then experience those qualities as coming from them, not her.
Their role was not to get in the way with discordant responses—and if they did, watch out, they might then have to meet in person. She felt their notes and messages were pleasure-filled discoveries.
She felt they had exactly the feelings for her she wanted them to have and that they were being exactly the kind of man she needed them to be.